A Life I Used to Want

I never thought that I’d end up admitting that the life I’m living now isn’t what I wanted. I think my grasp of the whole thing is slowly slipping, inconclusively but intentional. Trying to hold a number of things together needs a rather elevated, above average ability of balance—which I believe I possess. It’s like having all of Shiva’s hands.

So where’s the problem?

Interest and loss of momentum. I can perfectly recall that sad Saturday morning during my fourth year in high school. Winning is vital for our volleyball team. We needed to win to compete in the Finals. Unfortunately, we fell short as we have done in our previous games.

We lost the first set with a 23-25 score. Not bad, especially when it a ballooned reception ended that set. It was in the second set that I felt the same thing that I’m feeling now. Nailing the etiology for my present façade is still obscure. Yet, I can identify with that game. We were leading with just one point. The score was 15-14 and it’s our service. All was well so far. Strategy was dancing inside our court. But after we lost the tie with a 15-16, we were pinned. Loss of momentum was the solitary cause.

Comparable to my unwell state, I lost the will to push through. It’s like I’m this dimwit who runs around the fire instead of putting it out. To be honest, typing this blog perfectly depicts my current state.

People who don’t exert too much effort are those who’re, usually, content with what they have. Ambitious and career-driven individuals would push themselves to the limit just to get what they want and get out of whatever hell they’re in. It’s not that I’m satisfied or content. I know I need to be someone more.

But why bother?

I’m living a life that I used to want. Now, I’ll have to do my best to want this life again, ..and I don’t see that happening in the near future, but hey I’ve got to try right?