Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Tierra Muerte del Fuego

Out of sheer laughter, after a short trip to Photo Concept, Recto for the Manila Bulletin FEU page, the Editorial Board somehow came up with a crazy idea of our own Telenovela. (as if we don’t have enough things to laugh about)

Originally, the idea was a political satyr with a tinge of Filipino-stereotype series and a pinch of El Cuerpo del Deseo. The impregnated idea gave birth to the full concept of Tierra Muerte. In any case, this entry wasn’t supposed to be an entry but a mere attempt of the suggested satyr screenplay.


Mere recollection and retelling are my only tools to identifying the characters so I opted to jot them or rather type them down. And viola, here it is;

Don Miguel Romansa – Owner of the vast lands of the well-known yet hated Romansa family. In their main land sits the Hacienda with ‘Romansa La Compundia’ across its huge gate which is also Don Miguel’s head office. He is the younger brother of Don Bruno who was supposed to inherit everything from their deceased father, Don Mariano Biron Romansa, if it weren’t for his gambling addiction. Don Miguel is the husband of Dona Leonora Romansa.

Don Bruno Romansa - the supposed-to-be inheritor of the Romansa wealth. A known gambler and the founder and president of the gagamba-betting group. Husband of Dona Candida Romansa.

Dona Leonora Romansa – wife and cousin of Don Miguel. Her marriage was staged to keep the family wealth within their realm. She bore two sons; Ramon and Roman. She favors Ramon in all aspects, for no definite reason, though it seems she’s in love with her own son.

Dona Almeda Romansa – mother of Don Miguel who was against his son’s marriage favoring her son’s original true love, Iluminada Romansa.

Iluminada Romansa – Don Miguel’s true love who has left Vigan and resided in Manila where she bore their son without Don Miguel’s knowledge.

Dona Candida Romansa – wife of Don Bruno and mother of Amor Romansa whose love for riches is undeniable. She is said to have driven Don Bruno to commit suicide. She is envious of the riches that Don Miguel’s sons will inherit.

Ramon Romansa – the prime businessman of the family and elder brother of Roman. Known to be unpredictable and rarely speaks unless he has to. Lets things go but has one desire that he dare not give – Saturnina.

Roman Romansa – Keeps a secret gallery of his former lovers but has kept an eye out for Saturnina as well. Known to be the black sheep of the family but his speech prowess is nothing short of cono and rather dashing for every girl.

Ricardo “Karding” Romansa – son of Iluminada and first-born of Don Miguel. A well-known scholar in Manila despite their low income. Works as a call center agent and brings food to their table. A meek but slick street guy, Amor sees him as rather dashing despite his ruggedness.

Amor Romansa – cousin of Ramon and Roman whose personality is of the same frame as her mother. Has a strong ardent desire for Brando – the family driver. Ambitious and conceited, she will do almost anything to get what she wants.

Atty. Villaluz de Villa – daughter of the late Atty. Villamor de Villa, who is a loyal subject of Don Mariano Biron. Upon her father’s death, she assumed responsibility as the Romansa’s family lawyer. Career-driven and works underhandedly.

Dr. Araceli Arellano – son of Dra. Aragon Arellano, another loyal subject of Don Mariano Biron and point of envy of Dona Almeda, who left her position as the Romansa’s family doctor to travel the world. Before leaving the family, she placed her son in her position. Dr. Araceli was rumored to have killed his own father with death by ants.

Saturnina Solaris – breadwinner of the once rival family of the Romansa – the Solarises. After Don Mariano Biron bought their land and everything they own, they now work for the Romansa family as farmers. Her father, the late Don Jupiterio Solaris, was said to be a rapist and was murdered with three axes with the killer unidentified. Saturnina’s siblings are Plutito, Neptunia and Mercuria.

May R. Doma – the 21st Maid-in-Chief of the Romansa la Compundia. A graduate of Criminology but failed to get into the Philippine National Police due to her ‘kakikayan.’

Brando – family driver, despises, loathes, hates and disgusts Amor.

Juego Jugo - New Leader of the Union of Romansa Undivided Group of Likas na Yaman (UR-UGLY).

Pacita P. Phansin - a well-known herbolario from India with her own herb clinic and nasty concoction jars. She is a primary consultant of the UR-UGLY and allegedly the mother of Juego Jugo.

Now who’s who?
Clue: EB

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Tamang Pagsagot

There is evident behavior of not giving the appropriate answer to certain simple questions.

Setting: Classroom (FINAL EXAMS FOR NCM)
Ma’am Cambe: You only have five minutes remaining!
BSN 936: Yes, Ma’am!
(After a few minutes)
Ma’am: Class, how’s the exam?
BSN 936: Not yet!
(Correct Reply: "Difficult” or for the wiz kid "Easy")

Setting: CSV Lying-in
Ma’am Bugna: O Medina gaano kahaba ang umbilical cord?
Gemame: Yes Ma’am
Same setting
Ma’am Bugna: O ikaw Mr. Manalang gaano kahaba ang umbilical cord?
Ivan: No Ma’am
(Correct Reply: 55cm-- tama ba? or "hindi ko po alam")

Setting: Advocate Office
Aubrey: ‘Oy edge ‘yung article niyo tapos na ba?
Edge: Kasi si Dwight may production eh tapos si Greta finals
Aubrey: tapos na nga ba?
Edge: Nakausap na nila si sir pero may kailangan pa
Aubrey: eh tapos na ba?
Edge: tapos pwede ba daw gumawa ng sidebar for earthquake preparedness?
Aubrey: Pwede, so hindi pa tapos?
Edge: sige sasabihin ko
(Correct Reply: "Hindi pa po")

Setting: text message
Sender: Wer n u?
Receiver: D2 n me?
Sender: Wer nga?
Receiver: Hir nga me
(Correct Reply: specific location)

Sender: kamusta?
Edge: Who are you po? nabura kasi contacts ko ‘eh
Sender: Ako ‘to ano ka ba
Edge: Huh?! Sino po?
Sender: Ay ayoko na, tampo na ako sa’yo
Edge: ok
(Correct Reply: your name)


Setting: At home, telephone call
Caller: may klase ba ngayon?
Receiver: Oo nga ‘eh ang lakas ng bagyo noh
Caller: tingin ko nga walang klase ‘eh, meron pa ba?
Receiver: baha na nga dito ‘eh ang taas na ng tubig
Caller: dito rin ‘eh, papasok ka ba?
Receiver: Oo...meron kayang pasok.
(Correct Reply: "Merong pasok ngayon")

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Pedicure Ko 'Yan!

Is it still eavesdropping even if you can hear your neighbor having a loud argument from across the street? (stupid question)

It was more than just a heated argument; it was more like an explosive debate. Our neighbor was having a shout-off contest, both of them trying to top the other's voice. Can you blame me for listening? I mean, they’re way louder than our TV. Maybe if I can shut my ears and focus my listening, it will all go away. That is if we plug an earphone to the TV.

There were a few words that I could make out from the seemingly endless series of yells and sort of "battle cries." My friend and I began wondering what the ruckus was about. So we turned the TV and electric fan off, we’re obviously gossip-mongers, and our attention shifted from American Idol to our neighbor’s window. It's as if we were listening on a radio program. The type that goes, "Aray! Bakit mo ‘ko hinampas sa batok ng malakas?"
   
We can’t make out their whole dialogue; we were only able to determine a number of words - which doesn’t make sense at all. They were, in random order; electric fan, bayaran, p*t*ngina mo, leche ka, ako pa rin, kanina ka pa, masakit
    
Let’s try making sense with these words by stringing a few lines:
   
Woman: ARAY! P*t*ngina mo! Masakit!
Man: eh hindi ko nga sinasadya eh! Nakaharang ka kasi d’yan p*ta!
Woman: eh g*go ka pala eh! Kaka-pedicure ko lang n’yan! Kaya mo ba bayaran ‘yan hah?
Man: Leche ka! D’yan ka kasi nakapuwesto sa electric fan eh!
Woman: pinapatuyo ko nga pedicure ko eh tatapakan mo lang! t*ngin* ka rin eh noh!
Man: (slams the electric fan) eh p*tangin* akin naman ‘tong electric fan ah! Kaya mo ba bayaran ‘yan hah!? HINDE!
Woman: p*ta! Ako pa rin ang nagbabayad ng kuryente ng p*nyet*ng electric fan na ‘yan! ‘Wag mo sirain at ginagamit ko pa! F*ck sh*t!
Man: Ul*l ka nagpapedicure ka lang ang yabang mo na! kanina ka pa bwis*t ka!

Evidently, they weren’t rehearsing for some play since the lines are just plain dumb. Nah I made those lines up (you didn’t really think that they were having a debate over some pesky pedicure right?). But the jumbled words are true, these words were the most audible fragments of their shout-off.
    
If you're thinking why I posted this, imagine yourself in your room and you can hear a vocal war right outside your window. What to do? Blog.

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Monday, February 11, 2008

What in the world is Grimace?!

This is re-posted here from my Friendster blog. Original date of posting is August 2006.

I bought a grimace Bobble-head toy with a Happy Meal. That’s when I felt a knock at the back of my head, what does Grimace represent? What is he? Heck, I don’t even know if he’s/she’s a he or a she (p’wede naman siyang maging babae ‘ah kahit mukha talaga siyang lalaki baka nasobrahan sa testosterone). I remember an e-mail sent by my cousin about grimace which was nothing short of hilarious.

The Characters of McDonald's

Ronald McDonald – the main character whose reason for existence isn’t quite in my grasp. What does he represent? Wild guess! McSpaghetti! Hehe, I just thought that his red and white stripes denote the spaghetti. Is the meat in the spaghetti, Ronald McDonald’s real flesh? Morayta Chainsaw Massacre?

Birdie? -- Damn! What’s the name of that yellow-bird in a pink dress? She obviously represents Chicken McDo. She was intentionally designed not to depict a chicken, sige nga sabihin niyo nga kung mukha siyang manok. Why? So there won’t be any case filed against them for false advertisement. (another assumption) If she really is a hen, that’s fallacy. Look at the size of the servings, how miniature (Kasi naman chicken fillet binibili ko eh, maliit talaga ‘yun).

Hamburglar – Bright Idea! The advertisers used a criminal as an image. A burglar! Guess what, he’s still in his prison-cell uniform in black and white. How foolish, kids are the only ones who appreciate (that is if they’re not scared) these surreal mascots and they have fun with a BURGLAR? Oh save McDo from real hamburger-thieves. If they established a thief as the hamburger representative then they should not complain for any missing buns and burgers.

I don’t know (and don’t care) if there are anymore characters but my favorite is Grimace, though I don’t have any idea about his true nature. I don’t even know his/her gender. The color violet is too unisexual to infer his orientation. Is McDo secretly promoting homosexuality?

Grimace – What does he stand for? Ano ba siya? Who’s the purple blob?
There has been an e-mail rampantly passed around with Grimace as the point of ridicule. It’s hilarious! I grieve for my loss of that e-mail. Can someone email it to me?

These are not my ideas though I did infuse some of mine. All of these were in the email, but I couldn’t find mine, so this is basically what I can withdraw from my memory bank and a few other thoughts.

Queries about Grimace:
1) What is he?
2) Why is he purple?
3) Why is he blobbish?
4) Why name him Grimace?

Some theories:
1) Kamote Fries. Grimace is alleged to represent Kamote Fries that McDo intended to include in their menu but didn’t push through. But it still doesn’t explain his ‘blobbiness’ and the origin of his name.

2) UBE flavored ice cream. That explains his purple shade and blobby feature but if he’s an ice cream why not use strawberry instead? Pink is more of a head turner than violet, it calls more attention. Also, pink is somewhat friendlier than violet. Grimace is also an absurd name for an ice cream. I mean, hindi siguro masarap ‘yung ice cream kaya napapasimangot ka ‘pag kinain mo. Or nahuhulog lagi kaya naiinis ka dahil sayang binayad mo.

3) A milk-shake. Possible, but why not present the character with its container? So people can quickly perceive what he signifies. Again, why name a milk-shake as such? Does the milk-shake cause a scowl or a grimace? Siguro masyado expensive?

4) This is the most probable conclusion. Grimace is a VOMIT! Haha! He is the result of the mixture of different McDo products vomited by a customer. It does satisfy our criteria;
a) The mixture of the different McDo products can be purple in color (haven’t tried, nor do I have plans to)
b) A vomit is blobby
c) Ngumingiti ka ba ‘pag nasuka ka? You don’t smile before or after you throw-up right?
Hence the name—Grimace.

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

The?!

Here’s a hilarious text message.
    
"Ones I crush a guy from my alma mother who got my number so we could keep intact. Sabi ko connect me if I’m wrong, but are you asking me ouch? Sabi niya, “The?! I mean, tell me to the marines ang kapal! The nerd!” Naiyak ako because of hunger. I cried buckles of tears. Tapos sabi niya, “Don’t cry… Isipin mo na lang this is a blessing in the sky. Irregardless of my feelings, let’s go ouch na rin.” Now we’re so in love. Mute and epidemic na yung pass. Thanks God we shallowed our fried!'"
  
There’re still a few lines in there that I don’t get.

“I mean, tell me to the marines”
And
“Mute and epidemic na ‘yung pass.”
   
I wonder what those two lines mean. 

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