Saturday, May 10, 2008

I Broke My Heart


It was the first time that I experienced being in love. It was also the first time that I cried my eyes out. It was the first time that I couldn’t bring myself to smile or jump into conversations. It was the first time.

I broke my own heart. I have never felt this way towards another person. It was only then when that person had to go away when I realized how I really felt. Well at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I knew what my mind was telling me long before that day, but I never accepted such a feeling despite the surge of emotions overwhelming me by the mere bass quality of his voice. I cannot accept that I felt so strong for another person. I denied my ability to love. I loathe myself for falling for such a guy.

Bursting is the most appropriate term to coin my status now. This hurting that should be buried with me to the grave. To love someone such as him is completely delusional and absurd. If I was him and I was to know the truth, I will feel betrayed. And I don’t want that. Aside from the painful blow that I dealt unto myself, it would be fatal to see him disgusted by me. I can stand the stare of other people who discriminate against my kind. I have been dealing with them for nineteen years now. But if he was to do that to me, then it’s better that he never knew me at all.

I have often laughed at a school girl’s fantasy. I have often entertained myself with love quarrels. But now that I felt the reality of it all; the pain, the agony, the suffering and the longing, I can neither laugh nor smile. I can only cry.

That day I wallowed in my flaws. Every fragment of my life spent with him was racing through my head. I saw things in a different light. He was never the type that I would have a crush on. Eventually it became clearer to me; the traits that I was looking for were traits that were originally his. He never failed to awe me. But I never looked past that. He was never someone that I shy away, I can look him in the eyes and converse with ease.

I can mask what I felt. What I feel is offensive, immoral and disgusting—to him. I cannot and must not love someone like him. I cannot even breathe his name to another soul. I’m threatened that what I feel will come to his knowledge. The mere thought sends shivers through my spine. A cold chill.

I do not regret my delayed perception. I can’t blame myself for not knowing what love is for I have never been in love. If I knew love earlier then I would’ve been in pain ever since.


I begrudged my gender, personality, and existence. I hated myself for being the way I am. It was one of the few times that I was unsure of myself. I was powerless. I wanted to be with him, yet it’s too farfetched that I do not dare to daydream. I’d die every time I see him.

At least I know how it feels to love. But if this is the way that love will always be for me, then it's better not to love at all. I cannot break my own heart again. Not again.

3 comments:

Anonymous,  May 12, 2008 at 1:33 AM  

EDGE!!!!!
*akap akap*
kaw..
You should've just enjoyed the feeling.

Yes, love can hurt, but it also brings the happiness and fulfillment that human beings like us look for.

I don’t know why you don’t want to enter a relationship yet tho’ you love him.
Are you afraid that he doesn’t feel the same way perhaps? I don’t know.

But loving someone in silence is suicide. You’re the only one who’ll be broken in the end. *You’re a perfect example*

I say it’s better to come out and let him know how you feel and if it turns out that he doesn’t feel the same, hell, at least you tried.

This is one time. Don’t do this again.

-former SE

Edge May 12, 2008 at 1:59 AM  

"Are you afraid that he doesn’t feel the same way perhaps? I don’t know."

I know he doesn't feel the same way, that's a given fact. That's the huge problem.

It's his disgust that will kill me.

Anonymous,  June 24, 2011 at 10:05 PM  

U don't know how happy I am to read this. This poem goes exactly with how I feel today. Being as naive as I am I think I fell in love with someone but unfortunately I didn't work out so I can honestly say that I put this pain on myself. He just didn't feel the same and it really hurts...but I'm gonna try my hardest to forget and move on (and try to stop crying) but i can honestly say that i broke my own heart by falling for him.
I amazing cause i went to Google and typed in "i broke my own heart" and the first link was this and it perfectly relates exactly with what I'm going through.

Thank you so much :) i really needed this.

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