Cold and Really Bruised

(warning: another personal thing - well not anymore)

Being in a position of power means extensive sacrifice and a huge amount of self-discipline. I will not dwell on the former but rather expound on the latter. Before I took the editorial exam which halfly decided my executive editorship in the publication, I had no idea of what I was going to face. All I know then, after the result was divulged and I was to fit in the shoes of a second highest officer, I made a vow.

It was like getting married to the publication, which the former EIC, Aubrey Morla, puts it as “to put Advo (the publication) above everything else”. I know myself, I know how I would behave so I was confident that I will fulfill every word in the ME’s job description. I also know that I never settle for second best, that I will do what I can as long as it’s needed, which I eventually did.

I opened the year standing for the EB’s solidarity, an unfaltering strong unit. Whatever vomit I made then, I had to swallow yesterday. Nothing tastes as bitter. The decision to dismiss one of the EB was deemed as the most rational step for Advo. I was in doubt at first, but eventually resolved that by objective evaluation it simply had to be done.

Setting that aside, I feel as if there are only a few people who could see behind such actions. That I, and probably Dwight, have to tolerate the perception of being branded as Batman’s Joker – which is more on me than anybody else. I would always stand in front of the staffers during assemblies and declare both good and bad news – emphasis on the bad. To which I have always took the blow. I swallowed piercing stares, snippets of heavy air, eventual grimaces and even indirect angry verbalizations. If I am a weakling, my ego would have been brought to the Emergency Room due to multiple stab wounds and concussions. But I always sought to keep every bit of pain to myself and a few trusted beings. I took the job, I should bear its weight and not pass it on to anyone else.

Yet I cannot deny the fact that the things I do are indeed villainy for most. Though I hold a steady unshaken ground, there will be those who are bound to blow strong winds – cast a storm. If it makes them happy, yes you are effective in making me cold and probably crumble from inside. I just pray that they see things for what they are, that no man, including me, is naturally evil. That human is humane. That such decisions are derived from a series of intellectual process and not merely toying with a Ouija board and play ‘emotion’-of-the-glass.

I won’t even apologize, but I do feel sorry for myself. Sorry that I have to become someone I never thought I could be, or even had to be. Sorry that I am more of an enemy than a friend – most of the time. But I stand by all of my decisions. All of them were made for the welfare of my wife, despite the fact that I am bound to divorce her in less than four months.

I just pray that I will be able to forgive myself for my whole term as ME. I hope that I could forgive myself for doing the right things but wronging others. If I were to choose, I wish I could reverse time for a few months and remedy issues before they got out of hand – but I can’t.

So I pray for strength for the remaining months of my term, for the fire that will come, for the strong cold winds, for the silent jeers, for whatever knives thrown at me.